What Did You Say??

 This weeks beyond wonderful topic was communication! I would have to say I think this is one of the most important things in a relationship. They always say “communication is key” but so many people can’t do it and that’s when someone gets hurt and relationships fall apart.

The first thing we talked about was the 5 secrets of effective communication that I believe it was David Burns that said all these things. And we can talk about each one in a little more depth.

The first portion was the disarming effect. What this entails is understanding what your significant other is saying and finding some sort of truth to agree on even if it seems unfair or unreasonable to agree amidst an argument or disagreement. Now, this isn’t just saying, “I understand.” Its absorbing what you have been told and being able to repeat back what they have said to you but in your own words. You actually understand and accept what is being said. Not necessarily agreeing with it but just getting what they are saying.

The second part is having empathy. Putting yourself in their shoes. Simple as that. Take a step back from where you are at and just observe from their eyes what they are going through. Being able to look outside of yourself and see into another persons life can help give some seriously good perspective.

The third thing that was said in our list was inquiry. Ask sincere questions calmly. Be gentle but ask probing questions to learn more of the situation and how they are feeling or what they are meaning to get across. This to me personally is probably the second most important of the list. It would probably be difficult to calmly ask a sincere question in the middle of a heated discussion. Having this as a skill would be highly beneficial to any relationship even if it isn’t used in a heated discussion.

The next part is assertiveness. Being assertive in the way of telling them exactly how you feel. This I think is super super key to communicating. Saying statements like, “I feel…” (and then obviously finishing it but) being really out there with your feelings and emotions and being vulnerable. We talked about having our guards up. If one person gets defensive, it is very likely that the other person will get defensive as well. But busting down your walls and being true to what you are feeling will help the other person (hopefully) to be true to their feelings too and let you know their thoughts.

An experience I had with this was back in my senior year of high school. No need to name names to we will call my friend Kelly. We had been friends since we were younger but had kind of created a rift between each other as we got older as things happen between us. By high school our relationship was absolute trash. We were mostly civil around other people when we were together but didn’t think fondly of one another at all.

Well when senior year came around, I had a friend of both of ours tell me that she had been pissing me off on purpose. For years! No wonder why she always seemed to push my buttons just right and always make me upset. It was all on purpose whereas I was defending myself of her actions(granted it takes two to tango and this is in no way excusing myself from being a brat…because I definitely was at times).

When I found that out I was beyond sick of it. Something needed to change and soon. So I talked to my dad about how I could kindly approach her to solve the issue. He said to make the conversation all about me. Saying, “I feel that our friendship has not been as it should be. I don’t like how it has been between us. Is there anything I can do to make it better?” And so I did. I didn’t say those exact words but something very close to it. We had an adult conversation and tried to rebuild our friendship. With not pointing fingers and putting the blame on her, going to her with how I felt about things made the situation not so destructive and more so constructive. (Life update: we are friends now😊)

And last but definitely not least in this list of secretive ways to effectively communicate is respect. Being respectful, having respect for the other person, all of it. The advice given was to say something positive even in the heat of an argument. Conveying an attitude of respect for your spouse says a lot about your character and will be so good for your relationship.